Top of the Muffin, to ya!

Instead of a devil, I think Lil Jon is on my shoulder. And all he says is "Yeeaah!"

Lil Jon, should I eat this Easter candy I bought for Harper? "Yeeeah!"

Should I have a bite (psssshh.. a bite..) of Harper's spwinkles doughnut? "Yeeeeah!"

Because Lil Jon wears baggy pants, honey badger don't care. 

He's also probably crunk.

But this much I know for certain: Very soon, gone will be the days of anonymity.

We're moving back to our hometown.

South.

Where eyes cut and tongues wag if you go to the park looking like I looked this morning.

Bless my heart. And Lil Jon's.

I will hide behind the sweatpants of a rapper no longer. And if he wore yoga pants, I wouldn't hide behind them, either.

I'm tired of clinking my pimp cup of Coke.

Who's with me?

If you're interested, I'll link your blog so we can keep up with each other.

Fridays.

Start a Couch to 5k. . . eat better. . . exercise. . . write about it.

Sing it to me one mo time.

My opus.

..the music of my life.

11 Questions

Laura, at Navigating the Mothership, linked me on an 11 Questions 'meme.' Meme clearly means to invent and answer fortyleven questions while shirking all household/work responsibilities.

Laura is super funny and truthful and spot-on about being a momma with a sprinkle of hippie. Also, she says "yo" on the regular, which endears her to me. 

So, first: 11 facts about me. Random and I fear.. uninteresting.

1. I discuss nail polish at least once per day with my friend Tiffany. Rarely do we skip a day. RARELY. And we send pictures of our nails to each other. Today, I'm wearing Koala Beary by OPI. It's hot pink. It achieves opacity in two coats with absolutely no streaking. She's wearing Houston, We Have a Purple by
OPI. It's a jelly. Our favorite.

2. I've never been able to do a pull-up in my life. MY LIFE. My arm hang wasn't too swift, either. But the shuttle run? I will dust you in the shuttle run. Still. ..Set up the blocks. Our driveway is the perfect length.

3. I go on blogging hiatuses when I lose a follower. Formerly 83, I'm looking at YOU. That cut me deep, 83. Deep.

4. I would rather eat dirt than drink a glass of plain milk. However, I love all milk products.

5. I don't know my right from my left. Even if it seems like I don't pause when I answer, I do. Because I have to think about it. Every single time.

6. I never had hot tea until I moved to Wisconsin. And then, I was all, "I hate it! It's too strong!" ... Take the tea bag out, Courtney. Take it out. And now I drink it every day.

7. One time, I definitely did a 180 degree spin in the middle of the All-American Freeway in a rain storm. I think I hydroplaned, but not sure.. because in 3 seconds, I was facing the wrong direction in the road.  I never told anyone except Brandon. Ok, Mom. Commence freakout.

8. I am a good bowler, but I can not do that thing where the ball curves in and knocks down the pins. It seems like a sneaky and unnatural move anyway.

9. I have a serious fear of tornadoes and I'm pretty sure I was in one when I was in elementary school, sleeping over at a friend's house. Melissa.. did that actually happen?

10. My most terrifying recurring dream is that I'm driving up a hill and all of a sudden, the hill gets so steep that I'm driving straight up and I just know that at any moment, my car is going to fall right off of the road. Anyone want to diagnose the meaning of that craziness?

11. Once, Brandon and I drove through a snowstorm in Indiana and on icy roads through the West Virginia mountains in the middle of the night because there was no place to stop. I thought we were going to die. Seriously. It's the only time I really ever thought I was going to die.


Now, I answer Laura's 11 questions.

1. You can order anything off a brunch menu (it's magic and the future and thus it's a limitless menu) - what do you pick? All I can think about is one time we went to brunch at a super awesome restaurant with all of our friends and I was A: pregnant and B: stricken with horrifying morning sickness. I'd just like a re-do. And YES, I'd like the unlimited mimosas for $5. Please, and thank you.

2. Dream vacation spot and who do you bring? Resort igloo vacation in the Arctic Circle. I'd take Brandon, obviously, but Harper and Henry, too. Maybe they could sleep in a separate igloo. Or like.. an igloo with a ice door to our igloo so they could holler and play and it wouldn't be too loud. Adjoining igloos, if you will.

3. What TV show or movie best represents your life right now? Up All Night. Easily. I just had four cups of coffee and a box of Nerds! I'm ready to watch Friday Night Lights!

4. What TV show or movie would you like to live in for a week? Probably be The Office. . .and I actually lived it for two years in Wisconsin, so I think I'd fit in well.

5. What scandalized you as a child, as in something like finding a copy of Forever by Judy Blume on the shelf and reading it at the tender age of 11?  Please. I went to public school. Except for maybe being on the receiving end of the misinformation that "funk" was the f-word and being horrified when Mom would threaten to come by my third grade classroom and tell our class to "Get funky!"

6. What do you do fabulously that makes you want to high-five yourself? Ok. Two things. The first is something only I care about: I can look at any leftover food and judge the most appropriate size Tupperware container. It's a gift. I never have to repackage. I never have spillover. 100%. The other is only a smidge more important in the general spectrum of life survival: I never get lost. Ever. I always know where I am. This is especially impressive because I don't know my right from my left. Due in equal parts to Dad making me navigate every single weekend trip we ever took from the time I was 6 years old and mom making me lean the seat of the car back so I couldn't see where we were going and keep up with where we were based on how the car turned. ...Wait. Y'all didn't play "kidnapped" on the way home from school? I am a suburban Katniss Everdeen. I promise.

7. Are you a hugger? Or try to avoid getting hugged? What are your feelings about elderly people that kiss you wetly on the mouth? (There is only one answer for that last question.) I'm a total hugger, but am annoyed with hugs when the hugger is just trying to A: cop a feel on someone else's significant other - who do you think you're fooling? or B: establish dominance. On the aggregate, I'm afraid of elderly people. You never know what they'll do or say. So I'm generally terrified by the thought of one coming at me with wet lips. ..but not surprised. As I stated before... you just never know.

8. Name a pet peeve. Bandwagon Carolina fans. There. I said it.

9. Do you have a morning routine that you must do everyday? No. Thanks to Mr. I-don't-like-it-when-you-ingest-dairy-or-soy, even my one-eye-open stagger to the coffee maker is out the window.

10. What was the last thing you ate and drank? Cherry Pie Lara Bar and low acid orange juice. Both have changed my life.

11. What is your dream career? I'm doing it. I know, I know. Gag.

And now my questions:

1. If you could re-do one decision in your life, what would it be?

2. What's your all-time favorite scent? Not perfume, but.. like.. smell.

3. Do you remember your first kiss? Lol. Just take a minute to bathe in the awkwardness...... and then regale us with it.

4. Speaking of, what's the most awkward moment that you can ever recall?

5. What the worst trouble you ever got in in school? Heather Pavel, I did not make you squeeze that fire extinguisher handle.

6. If you could go back to a place you've visited, where would it be?

7. Describe the most perfect day of your life so far.

8. Do you have a firm handshake and do you think that matters? PS. I shake hands with the strength of.. the Hulk. I got tired of being squeezed to death, yo.

9. What size bed do you have? Validate your decision. Especially mention if it's a super tall bed. I do not understand the logic. What if you fall out? Wouldn't it hurt way worse?

10. What would you buy right now if I gave you $100?

11. Complete this sentence: I feel strongest when I . . . .

Feel free to create a blog just to answer these questions - you know you want an excuse to blog. And I'll link you if you do. But here's who I'm guilting into it: Hannah, Sarah and Karrie.

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

I hate to say this, because you're just so darn peppy - flitting around the kitchen..chopping things.. taking everything out of the refrigerator at once - but Rachael, I hate your 30 Minute Meals and not by virtue of the fact that they take longer than 30 minutes, but because by and large, they're gross.

PS. No one actually does that refrigerator thing. Be one with the people and we'll like you more. And quit saying 'EVOO' all the time.

In the immortal words of Ricky Bobby, I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.

rollin' with the homies

It's clear that I'll lose a few people here, but. . . you know when you're up at 3 a.m. feeding a baby and your head falls back and you wake up three hours later with a baby sprawled lovingly across your lap? ..Cute, but.. you didn't uncross your legs so they're dead. And your head fell over sideways into a rather oops-you-actually-look-dead position that no neck should be in for three hours.

This is my life. Sometimes more than once per night.

Today, it caught up with me.

Just as I was beginning the approach to my patented sleeping-newborn-laydown-in-the-bassinet-without-waking-them move, with semi-dead leg, I kinked my kneck. I'm just leaving that typo as a testament to just how sleepy I am, these days. I just spelled neck with a silent "k."

A kinked neck is no biggie, but not when you're a stay-at-home mom. Heavy lifting, y'all. One biggie baby and one enormous toddler. And I toughed it out until 11:30 a.m. when I made the proclamation that Harper needed to put on her rain boots (they're her favs and the only ones she can really put on without help) and get her sippy cup, because we were going on a drive.

something like this.

Because driving is easier than lifting my arms above my shoulders.

I gingerly wrestled the biggest baby in the world into his car seat and did the same with Harper and we were off..

pictured: biggest (and sweetest) baby in the world

There are a few roads near our house that are long and picturesque and curvy and meant to convince the fair residents of this conglomeration that living here doesn't suck. So we drove to those roads.

We stopped at Dunkin' Donuts for a hot chocolate (awesome mom!) but the only-slightly-more-than-lukewarmness of Harper's hot chocolate steamed up in her sippy cup and caused some sort of air pressure chocolate volcano (terrible mom!) which erupted all over her toddler face and started the screaming fit to end all screaming fits and made her look like a child of the dust bowl.. but

hark!

No sooner did we turn onto Harper's favorite road did four deer amble across, right in front of our car.

This is huge. Monumental. Amazing!

I'm all, "Quit crying about the chocolate spray to the face! Look! There's a family of deer! A mommy and a daddy and two babies! Oh my gracious! Look how big and close they are!"

Harper: "Oh Mommy! That's great. Duh deer are in duh road!"

((two seconds later))

Harper observes last deer clear the white line: "That should do it." (?)

"A giraffe now, please. And Santa, too."

Harper's Special Ingredient

Now that Henry has come along and is sans any vaccinations until he's 2 months old and we live in an insufficiently inoculated area, I've made the - possibly unpopular, yet safe - decision to keep him out of the public eye (and nose..and hands.. and mouth) for a few more weeks.

Until Brandon gets home each day, we must be creative in our entertainment pursuits. Like pioneers. Like pioneers who didn't feel like hitching up the wagon and fording the river to get to Target.

We do many strange things to keep ourselves (HARPER.) entertained. Yesterday, I got a look from a neighbor because Harper was the plane and Henry & I were the engine. An engine which operates loudly and in a single-file line around the front yard. In circles. The plane and/or engine may be required to flap their arms.  And when Harper called for the rocket booster (requiring an enthusiastic whoosh from the engine) just as the neighbor was walking by, what was I going to do? NOT engage the rocket booster? no. Anyway.

Conventional entertainment-wise, she helps me cook every night. Which is awesome because it means I actually cook every night. Sometimes awesome for Brandon.

As the sun sets on any given afternoon, you'll find Harper perched on the counter top gathering supplies and readying herself for her main tasks, which are pouring and mixing. Which looks like me struggling to keep or get any at all of what Harper is pouring or mixing into a bowl.

Yesterday was no different.

I particularly like making chicken pot pie because Harper hates it (which means she won't lick the spoon..) and it also means she takes her tasks so seriously but hates the smells so badly that she'll literally shudder her way through it.

Me: ((opening can)) "OK, pour in the Cream of Potato."
Harper: (peers inside can) "OK!" ((shudder))
Harper: Sticks in spoon ((shudder)) to loosen it up while I hold it.
Me: ((puts chicken in the bowl))
Harper: ((shudder))

So.. you see, she's all business and I see only a glimpse of her silly toddler self when she pours in the frozen peas and carrots (have I not yet paused to laud the fresh & wholesome nature of said pie?) and after Harper mangles we painstakingly crimp the edges of the Pillsbury refrigerated pie crust (lauding..) with a fork, she gets to play with the leftover dough. Which also makes her shudder, but only for a second.. in a good way.

Yesterday was special.

She must have been feeling a little frisky and confident in her preparation. Anticipating each ingredient, she called for each before she needed them and in no time, we were ready to pour her concoction into the pie pans. A little bit Julia Child.. A little bit Fancy Nancy.

As I walked over to Harper, who was still dutifully stirring the pie innards, I watched powerlessly - with hands full of waiting pie pans - as she, as quick as lightning, added her pièce de résistance. With brow-furrowing concentration, Harper spat in the chicken pot pie.

The End.

a birdhouse.

When you have a baby around Christmas, some things get lost in the shuffle. And when you come up for air on this, the 12th day of January, you don't make a gingerbread house.

You make a birdhouse.

Aptly named, by Harper.

Me: ((squirts huge gob of icing at 9:30 AM and shakes head at questionable parenting)) Where do you want to stick the orange piece? 

Harp: In my mouth! 

After much brandishing of icing spoon (pictured).. and a calculated lick of the roof, she made her final pronouncement:


mmm....It tastes as good as it smells!