Please, please quit with the creepy people shapes. What's so bad about another round tree or a nice..box?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week
Dear Professional Wielders of the Chainsaw - Shrubbery Division,
Please, please quit with the creepy people shapes. What's so bad about another round tree or a nice..box?
Please, please quit with the creepy people shapes. What's so bad about another round tree or a nice..box?
Monday, April 11, 2011
Top of the Muffin, to ya! Week 13
A Monday morning rant, of sorts:
Going out to eat is fun. Being fat is not fun.
Please, join me for a tutorial.
This is how you get fat:
1. Don't look at the nutritional information before you go to a restaurant.
2. Choose what you think might be semi-sensible (we all know it really isn't..) and plan to eat half, then box the rest. (550)
3. It's so darn good that you eat more than half. (100)
4. Is that a glass of healthy red wine in your hand?! (150)
5. Wait. There's bread and butter! It's whole grain. It's cool. (200)
6. And then, because you ate a semi-sensible dinner & you're at a restaurant known for their dessert & you're a little bit drunk, you order one, but plan to only eat half. (360)
7. Repeat step 3.(100)
8. Have two bites of your husband's dessert. (100)
9. What you do take home, you eat the next day. (650 + 460 = 1100)
10. Collapse into a carby salt bomb of a coma on the couch. Exercise? Hush... I'm napping.
11. Enjoy supple 2660 calorie addition to muffin top.
True story: We went to Cheesecake Factory this weekend for takeout. My mom ordered the pasta marinara (1210 calories). From one serving, she ate dinner, I ate dinner and so did Harper. Then, there was enough left over for Harper & me the next day. We didn't eat that delicious brown bread, we had no alcohol and we didn't order cheesecake.
That's over 1000 calories.. for noodles. Had I cooked dinner, it would have been more balanced, less salty and I would have known exactly what was in it, instead of giving a side-eye to the nutritional information that only lists 3 grams of fat. Uhh.. No. 3 grams does not a super greasy plate make.
Not sure it's worth it.
Going out to eat is fun. Being fat is not fun.
Please, join me for a tutorial.
This is how you get fat:
1. Don't look at the nutritional information before you go to a restaurant.
2. Choose what you think might be semi-sensible (we all know it really isn't..) and plan to eat half, then box the rest. (550)
3. It's so darn good that you eat more than half. (100)
4. Is that a glass of healthy red wine in your hand?! (150)
5. Wait. There's bread and butter! It's whole grain. It's cool. (200)
6. And then, because you ate a semi-sensible dinner & you're at a restaurant known for their dessert & you're a little bit drunk, you order one, but plan to only eat half. (360)
7. Repeat step 3.(100)
8. Have two bites of your husband's dessert. (100)
9. What you do take home, you eat the next day. (650 + 460 = 1100)
10. Collapse into a carby salt bomb of a coma on the couch. Exercise? Hush... I'm napping.
11. Enjoy supple 2660 calorie addition to muffin top.
True story: We went to Cheesecake Factory this weekend for takeout. My mom ordered the pasta marinara (1210 calories). From one serving, she ate dinner, I ate dinner and so did Harper. Then, there was enough left over for Harper & me the next day. We didn't eat that delicious brown bread, we had no alcohol and we didn't order cheesecake.
That's over 1000 calories.. for noodles. Had I cooked dinner, it would have been more balanced, less salty and I would have known exactly what was in it, instead of giving a side-eye to the nutritional information that only lists 3 grams of fat. Uhh.. No. 3 grams does not a super greasy plate make.
Not sure it's worth it.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Cupcake of the Week
How does one live in the burbs of DC and not purchase at least one boutique cupcake per week?
It's perfect for those with a tendency to overindulge. . . unless, as you're waiting in line, you do the math and discover that a dozen is cheaper.. But I don't like math, so. .
I buy one each week - Sunday - which purposely coincides with the only non-fasting day of the week during Lent.
Georgetown Cupcake is my favorite haunt, but there are so many unique and ridiculously expensive cupcakes in DC, I'll branch out. ..once in a while.
Today, though, we'll start with a seasonal GC.
..I stood in line for 15 minutes this morning and endured the stink eye from many a lycra-clad fitness buff as they sauntered past to get their gym on. Worth it.
Without further adieu, I bring you the Cherry Blossom cupcake from Georgetown Cupcake.
Enjoy the cringe-worthy auto focus amateur photography.
It's perfect for those with a tendency to overindulge. . . unless, as you're waiting in line, you do the math and discover that a dozen is cheaper.. But I don't like math, so. .
I buy one each week - Sunday - which purposely coincides with the only non-fasting day of the week during Lent.
Georgetown Cupcake is my favorite haunt, but there are so many unique and ridiculously expensive cupcakes in DC, I'll branch out. ..once in a while.
Today, though, we'll start with a seasonal GC.
..I stood in line for 15 minutes this morning and endured the stink eye from many a lycra-clad fitness buff as they sauntered past to get their gym on. Worth it.
Without further adieu, I bring you the Cherry Blossom cupcake from Georgetown Cupcake.
Enjoy the cringe-worthy auto focus amateur photography.
 |
| They say, "classic madagascar bourbon vanilla cupcake baked with fresh cherries and topped with a vanilla cream cheese frosting and a fondant cherry blossom." |
 |
| I say, "Huge ole hunk of vanilla cream cheese frosting that's so rich it will make you gag by the last bite. In a good way." |
 |
| With big pieces of real cherries in the batter. Like.. real ones. Not dried hippie cherries, not canned, and they're sweet but tart. |
 |
| It's muffiny and light, which is a wonderful excuse to eat it before noon. |
 | ||
| And if you go after 10:30 a.m. on a Sunday, bless your heart, you'll be waiting until noon to get your cupcake, so seize the morning. |
 |
| And just for the heck of it, this is my husband and our friends at the Cherry Blossom Festival, last year. To protect their anonymity, I'll call them Indy and Mandy. And this is funny because I only look about four feet tall. And I can't believe Harper was ever so baby-like. |
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week
If you care enough to ask an expectant parent what they're naming their child, care enough to fake a polite response. And whatever you do, don't suggest an alternate. . . .or you may get your eye swole. Rightfully.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Top of the Muffin to ya! Week 12
I've always heard that it takes 21 days to break a bad habit and form a new habit in its place, so I thought I'd give it a shot regarding the muffin and its top. After consulting Dr. Google, I find that this 21 day thing is quite empirical, but. . . I've never liked controlled experiments, anyway. So. . .
For a few days now, I've been doing things differently:
1. Eating a scheduled breakfast, lunch & dinner. Since Harper was born, this has been the biggest change in how I approach eating. She eats everything on time, but I tend to graze on the types of food I'm feeding her. ..perhaps, because for so many months, I couldn't eat lunch and dodge pureed prunes at the same time.
This week, instead of chugging coffee until 11:00 a.m. and realizing that if I don't eat, the caffeine jitters may well be responsible for puncturing an artery whilst coupon clipping, I had a cup of coffee and had some oatmeal with my girl. Fun... and less dangerous. And surprise... I haven't been ravenous at lunch and am actually hungry at dinner.
2. Around 3 p.m., things fall apart, Chinua Achebe-style. . . .but I usually don't snack on a yam. Someone tell me they had to read that book in 10th grade and still remember it in vivid detail. Oh, just me? Anyway...I make poor choices.
Now, Harper and I go down to Brandon's weight room. I lift light weights, do squats and crunches while she rolls and falls all over exercise balls. If we do that for 45 minutes, it's almost 4:00 and time to leave to pick up Brandon. Crisis averted.
3. Immediately brush teeth after dinner. It totally takes away the temptation to have seconds or snack on errant leftovers while I'm cleaning the kitchen.
4. Fold laundry after Harper goes to bed instead of eyeballing the fridge. When the days get super long, I'll probably drop this in favor of a walk outside or gardening.. but for now, baby steps.
For a few days now, I've been doing things differently:
1. Eating a scheduled breakfast, lunch & dinner. Since Harper was born, this has been the biggest change in how I approach eating. She eats everything on time, but I tend to graze on the types of food I'm feeding her. ..perhaps, because for so many months, I couldn't eat lunch and dodge pureed prunes at the same time.
This week, instead of chugging coffee until 11:00 a.m. and realizing that if I don't eat, the caffeine jitters may well be responsible for puncturing an artery whilst coupon clipping, I had a cup of coffee and had some oatmeal with my girl. Fun... and less dangerous. And surprise... I haven't been ravenous at lunch and am actually hungry at dinner.
2. Around 3 p.m., things fall apart, Chinua Achebe-style. . . .but I usually don't snack on a yam. Someone tell me they had to read that book in 10th grade and still remember it in vivid detail. Oh, just me? Anyway...I make poor choices.
Now, Harper and I go down to Brandon's weight room. I lift light weights, do squats and crunches while she rolls and falls all over exercise balls. If we do that for 45 minutes, it's almost 4:00 and time to leave to pick up Brandon. Crisis averted.
3. Immediately brush teeth after dinner. It totally takes away the temptation to have seconds or snack on errant leftovers while I'm cleaning the kitchen.
4. Fold laundry after Harper goes to bed instead of eyeballing the fridge. When the days get super long, I'll probably drop this in favor of a walk outside or gardening.. but for now, baby steps.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Is a pocketbook, by any other name, as mysterious?
"God! Why does my purse smell like bananas?!" ((less annoyed, more Napoleon Dynamite))
Husband has just been rhetorically wifed. He shrugs.
"I mean, there was a banana in there, but I took it out yesterday! Why on earth can I still smell it?"
((inserts whole head into purse, takes long, disgusted drag. removes head. shakes head in defeat))
Am I wrong to assume that most moms of toddlers have a banana (or two) in their purse 83% of the time? or that we smell things that shouldn't be smelled without reservation or pause?
A few days later...
Scene: Grocery Store Check-Out.
"Omg! Why are my credit cards stuck in my wallet? What did I spill in there? It's brown and.. creamy. What did Harper put in there?"
At this point, it is safe to assume that I no longer carry an expensive bag. Or have an expensive wallet. Or have failed to annoy a single grocery store check-out girl.
"Oh GOD! Is it poop?!" Did Harper go rogue?!
<<horrified gasp from cashier>>
"No. It can't be.. It smells like.. bananas."
But I took that banana out three days ago and I didn't notice that it had even been split open. It wasn't even brown. In fact, I ate it.
I suppose a Type A would have done it right away, but. . .
Later that night..
Intent on discovering the source, I began removing items from my purse with the eventual intent of throwing it in the washing machine.. b/c I'm a Mom and have a washable purse ((blushes in recognition of the travesty)).
. . . paci. . .toothbrush. . .1/2 eaten cookie. . . gooey wallet. . . receipts. . .coupons. . . paci. . . paci. . .small blanket. . .sippy cup. . . . .freeze-dried strawberries. . . applesauce. . .diapers. . . .wipes. . .paci wipes. . . make up. . .keys. . . .loose change. . . hand sanitizer. . . screwdriver(?). . .scotch tape. . .board book. . .
"What is the source of the stench that plagues me so?!" I didn't really say that.
In a defeated huff, I walked to the laundry room with an empty, black winter banana purse in tow.
Spring needs to be sprung and I'll tell you why.
In anticipation of its bath, I carefully checked each inner pocket one last time, wincing at the thought of unexpectedly plunging my hand into the source. ..Coming up empty, I tossed aside the bottom board shaper and lining.
I audibly squealed in shock as a long, skinny, slimy, wet, completely black object loosed itself from the innards, became airborne, did slow motion flips and landed on my beflipflopped foot with limp clap.
Paralyzed with fear and disbelief, I stared:
A dead black FISH!?
A DEAD MOUSE!?
OMG. It's a snake.
..but dead snakes don't smell like three week old bananas..
Husband has just been rhetorically wifed. He shrugs.
"I mean, there was a banana in there, but I took it out yesterday! Why on earth can I still smell it?"
((inserts whole head into purse, takes long, disgusted drag. removes head. shakes head in defeat))
Am I wrong to assume that most moms of toddlers have a banana (or two) in their purse 83% of the time? or that we smell things that shouldn't be smelled without reservation or pause?
A few days later...
Scene: Grocery Store Check-Out.
"Omg! Why are my credit cards stuck in my wallet? What did I spill in there? It's brown and.. creamy. What did Harper put in there?"
At this point, it is safe to assume that I no longer carry an expensive bag. Or have an expensive wallet. Or have failed to annoy a single grocery store check-out girl.
"Oh GOD! Is it poop?!" Did Harper go rogue?!
<<horrified gasp from cashier>>
"No. It can't be.. It smells like.. bananas."
But I took that banana out three days ago and I didn't notice that it had even been split open. It wasn't even brown. In fact, I ate it.
I suppose a Type A would have done it right away, but. . .
Later that night..
Intent on discovering the source, I began removing items from my purse with the eventual intent of throwing it in the washing machine.. b/c I'm a Mom and have a washable purse ((blushes in recognition of the travesty)).
. . . paci. . .toothbrush. . .1/2 eaten cookie. . . gooey wallet. . . receipts. . .coupons. . . paci. . . paci. . .small blanket. . .sippy cup. . . . .freeze-dried strawberries. . . applesauce. . .diapers. . . .wipes. . .paci wipes. . . make up. . .keys. . . .loose change. . . hand sanitizer. . . screwdriver(?). . .scotch tape. . .board book. . .
"What is the source of the stench that plagues me so?!" I didn't really say that.
In a defeated huff, I walked to the laundry room with an empty, black winter banana purse in tow.
Spring needs to be sprung and I'll tell you why.
In anticipation of its bath, I carefully checked each inner pocket one last time, wincing at the thought of unexpectedly plunging my hand into the source. ..Coming up empty, I tossed aside the bottom board shaper and lining.
I audibly squealed in shock as a long, skinny, slimy, wet, completely black object loosed itself from the innards, became airborne, did slow motion flips and landed on my beflipflopped foot with limp clap.
Paralyzed with fear and disbelief, I stared:
A dead black FISH!?
A DEAD MOUSE!?
OMG. It's a snake.
..but dead snakes don't smell like three week old bananas..
Saturday, April 2, 2011
We be hatin.
A survey was published a few days ago polling 400 women, who indicated that they hate 83% of their Facebook girl "friends."
Guys, go ahead and update your status every 10 minutes.
Go ahead and tell us that you're getting your GTL on.
..That you're so hungover.
..That you're "at work."
..That you're poised to do man things and since you can't be bothered to write a whole sentence, you're doing things like "grill" or "wash truck" or "shower."
Don't worry, this doesn't bother the womenfolk.
Well, we hold our sisters in status, our girl "friends" to a different standard.
If you do these things, apparently, we're annoyed:
Complain all the time (63% are annoyed by this) Oh my gaaahh, I'm sooo tired.
Share unsolicited political views (42% are annoyed by this) FYI: After the first flamingly angry rant, we know how you feel.
Bragging about seemingly perfect lives (32% are annoyed by this) Lol. Only 32% are annoyed? Apparently the braggers are doing it wrong. Because sometimes "I love my life!" "I love my husband!" and "I love my smart child!" so much that I annoy myself.
We also classify each other. I'm not going quotation mark crazy, these are just the survey's words:
65% of women hate the "documentarian." With bated breath, I will continually refresh my updates page until you tell everyone that you just got back from the grocery store. So pull out that iPhone as soon as the wheels of your oversized SUV crest the pavement of your driveway.
61% hate the "drama queen." Please tell me that the ambiguous "I just can't take it anymore." "I'm so tired of all the BS" updates count.. I will gladly contribute to this 61%.
57% hate the "proud mama." Alienate my audience? No, thanks.
46% hate the "incessant liker." This is weak. If "liking" a deodorant brand gets you a free sample, I tip my hat,sir ma'am, and I will likely follow suit.
40% hate the "poser." Lol. Did you really just take a picture of your $70.00 receipt from Carabbas, title it "Baller status," and post it on your newsfeed?"
40% hate the "slactivist." Slacker + Activist. I keep trying to write something here to be funny, but I just come off looking like a huge tool.
Well, girls don't defriend girls. We don't even "hide" each other. We'll just hate*.
*I swear, I don't hate 83%. In fact, only a few of these get on my nerves. ..But should I be the oddball, the skewed sample, or should 83% of my "friends" hate me, I'll go ahead and seal the deal:
I am always so darn tired because my Republican husband lets me to go to the mall every day and shop for our genius daughter who plans to cure world hunger when she grows up. Donations welcome. And if you're not too busy tonight, please join me at the Playa Haters' Ball.
Guys, go ahead and update your status every 10 minutes.
Go ahead and tell us that you're getting your GTL on.
..That you're so hungover.
..That you're "at work."
..That you're poised to do man things and since you can't be bothered to write a whole sentence, you're doing things like "grill" or "wash truck" or "shower."
Don't worry, this doesn't bother the womenfolk.
Well, we hold our sisters in status, our girl "friends" to a different standard.
If you do these things, apparently, we're annoyed:
Complain all the time (63% are annoyed by this) Oh my gaaahh, I'm sooo tired.
Share unsolicited political views (42% are annoyed by this) FYI: After the first flamingly angry rant, we know how you feel.
Bragging about seemingly perfect lives (32% are annoyed by this) Lol. Only 32% are annoyed? Apparently the braggers are doing it wrong. Because sometimes "I love my life!" "I love my husband!" and "I love my smart child!" so much that I annoy myself.
We also classify each other. I'm not going quotation mark crazy, these are just the survey's words:
65% of women hate the "documentarian." With bated breath, I will continually refresh my updates page until you tell everyone that you just got back from the grocery store. So pull out that iPhone as soon as the wheels of your oversized SUV crest the pavement of your driveway.
61% hate the "drama queen." Please tell me that the ambiguous "I just can't take it anymore." "I'm so tired of all the BS" updates count.. I will gladly contribute to this 61%.
57% hate the "proud mama." Alienate my audience? No, thanks.
46% hate the "incessant liker." This is weak. If "liking" a deodorant brand gets you a free sample, I tip my hat,
40% hate the "poser." Lol. Did you really just take a picture of your $70.00 receipt from Carabbas, title it "Baller status," and post it on your newsfeed?"
40% hate the "slactivist." Slacker + Activist. I keep trying to write something here to be funny, but I just come off looking like a huge tool.
Well, girls don't defriend girls. We don't even "hide" each other. We'll just hate*.
*I swear, I don't hate 83%. In fact, only a few of these get on my nerves. ..But should I be the oddball, the skewed sample, or should 83% of my "friends" hate me, I'll go ahead and seal the deal:
I am always so darn tired because my Republican husband lets me to go to the mall every day and shop for our genius daughter who plans to cure world hunger when she grows up. Donations welcome. And if you're not too busy tonight, please join me at the Playa Haters' Ball.
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