Saturday, April 2, 2011

We be hatin.

A survey was published a few days ago polling 400 women, who indicated that they hate 83% of their Facebook girl "friends."

Guys, go ahead and update your status every 10 minutes.
Go ahead and tell us that you're getting your GTL on.
..That you're so hungover.
..That you're "at work."
..That you're poised to do man things and since you can't be bothered to write a whole sentence, you're doing things like "grill" or "wash truck" or "shower."

Don't worry, this doesn't bother the womenfolk.

Well, we hold our sisters in status, our girl "friends" to a different standard.  

If you do these things, apparently, we're annoyed:

Complain all the time (63% are annoyed by this) Oh my gaaahh, I'm sooo tired.

Share unsolicited political views (42% are annoyed by this) FYI: After the first flamingly angry rant, we know how you feel.

Bragging about seemingly perfect lives (32% are annoyed by this) Lol.  Only 32% are annoyed? Apparently the braggers are doing it wrong.  Because sometimes "I love my life!" "I love my husband!" and "I love my smart child!" so much that I annoy myself.

We also classify each other. I'm not going quotation mark crazy, these are just the survey's words:

65% of women hate the "documentarian." With bated breath, I will continually refresh my updates page  until you tell everyone that you just got back from the grocery store.  So pull out that iPhone as soon as the wheels of your oversized SUV crest the pavement of your driveway.

61% hate the "drama queen." Please tell me that the ambiguous "I just can't take it anymore." "I'm so tired of all the BS" updates count.. I will gladly contribute to this 61%.

57% hate the "proud mama." Alienate my audience? No, thanks.

46% hate the "incessant liker."  This is weak.  If "liking" a deodorant brand gets you a free sample, I tip my hat, sir ma'am, and I will likely follow suit.

40% hate the "poser."  Lol. Did you really just take a picture of your $70.00 receipt from Carabbas, title it "Baller status," and post it on your newsfeed?"

40% hate the "slactivist." Slacker + Activist. I keep trying to write something here to be funny, but I just come off looking like a huge tool.
Well, girls don't defriend girls.  We don't even "hide" each other.  We'll just hate*.

*I swear, I don't hate 83%.  In fact, only a few of these get on my nerves.  ..But should I be the oddball, the skewed sample, or should 83% of my "friends" hate me, I'll go ahead and seal the deal:

I am always so darn tired because my Republican husband lets me to go to the mall every day and shop for our genius daughter who plans to cure world hunger when she grows up. Donations welcome. And if you're not too busy tonight, please join me at the Playa Haters' Ball. 


  1. Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm gonna go put water in Buck Nasty's Mama's dish. - Silky Johnston