Tuesday, January 8, 2013

accidental ass and the associated karma.

Is there anything more unnerving?

Is there anything that makes you question yourself more than that?

There's a time and a place to be a jerk. And there's so much jerkiness in the world. But when you're one.. on accident?

It bothers me. Far more than when I'm an ass on purpose.

That's been known to happen. Once or twice.

All week, I've been seeing pickup trucks driving around town with fortyleven Christmas trees bouncing precariously in the beds. Are they taking them somewhere to compost? Are people paying them to haul their trees off? Do they do contracting work for the city so that the city won't have to pick as many up? Hell, I don't know.

All I know is, when Harper and Henry and I made our way down the stairs this morning, there was a sturdy man out in front of our house trying to wrestle the enormously sturdy metal stand off of our tree, which I dragged to the road yesterday amid hoots and hollers from the peanut gallery "Momma! Don't let it fall on the bouncy house! You knocked over a chair! There's pines in my hair! It is stuck in the door! PULLLL, Momma!"

Once I got to the street, like this man, I stood there for about two minutes trying to pry the stand off during lunchtime rush hour. I don't even know why I'm bothering to say this, because you probably saw me. Because I'm sure that every car in Fayetteville passed by during this two minutes. 

I gave up.

Then Brandon didn't take it off last night because he got home late from work. And the only thing more dangerous than being within 5 feet of the side of our road is being 5 feet within the side of our road in the dark.

So. This man. This morning. He's yanking that stand around like a dog with a bone. And he can't get it off either. And then his side-kick jumps out of the cab of the truck (whose bed was filled to the brim with equal parts Christmas trees and..junk.) and he starts yanking, too.

And I stood in wonderment.. as they ragdolled the tree.. Would they take the tree? The stand? In the 10 seconds it took them to get it off, I thought - "I don't care if they take the tree. Obviously. ...but.. the stand is ours. The stand is ours, which we have hauled from Wisconsin to Maryland to Fayetteville. Ours." And while I generally have little to no fight in me in the morning, when he started to walk to his truck with the stand (the portion of which came off. half was still stuck around the tree), I opened the door and hollered out, "Sir, that stand is ours! Don't take that stand!"

"WHAT!" He said. "You want it now that I've taken it off?!" (broken it off)

(Yes. I was waiting to see if you were going to take the tree or the stand.) <--I did not holler this across the yard.

"Yes." I hollered.

So he's heated. Real mad. So mad I shut and locked the door and peeked out as he...

shoved that stand back on the tree and tightened the bolts!


Dude. You already broke it!

And about 5 seconds later, I realized.

Totally my fault.

He probably thought I knew he was taking the stand for junk. . . or whatever. . . and he thinks that I waited for him to get the stand unstuck before I told him not to take it. Free labor, and all that jazz. And that stand? It was at the street. Like trash. Like I didn't want it.

Boom. Accidental ass.

So I've been feeling badly about it, this morning. Homeboy is just trying to make a living with his junk and greenery.

And as we were leaving the grocery store approximately 1 hour later, in a parking lot with approximately 400 empty spaces, a lady double parked on us so hard that I couldn't open either door on the passenger side to get Harper in. She had to climb into the back seat from the driver's side. To her delight. "I like to climb! Look at me!"

And buckling a five-point harness from the front seat? Ha. There is a LOT of butt in the air maneuvering. Accidental ass, if you will.

The best part is that lady who parked her tires into our spot shimmied her way out the passenger door and looked straight at me and smirked as I unassumingly pulled our race car cart up to the car. Smirked, y'all!

Case closed.


  1. I laughed SO hard reading this - and even harder when I passed by your house and saw the tree with the stand laying there!!

  2. What the heck! It's on there TIGHT, too! lol