Saturday, June 25, 2011

Anatomy of a Pregnancy Part II

My repetitive internal dialogue when I watch any episode of any have-a-baby reality series:

1. Aww... that's sweet. I can't wait until I look pregnant like that, instead of just fat.

2. Hmm.. What're you carrying on about so loudly? I didn't scream and cry on the way to the hospital and we hit one speed bump HARD.

3. Thank you for shutting up. Glad they finally gave you that epidural. I was about to have PTSD.

4. Seriously? Why's the dad holding the barf bucket? If I have to throw up, I'll do it my own self.

5. Why are you screaming again? You've had an ep-i-dur-al.

6. Oh, they turned it down so you can push? Oh God. I just remembered how that works.

7. What have I gotten myself into. . . . again?! I just glimpsed that bag of pee hanging from the side of your bed.

((QUICK.. block it out, again! Subconscious & Conscious, work your magic. I beg of you!))

8. Baby Daddy, quit looking down there. There isn't anything for you to see. Eyes above neck. And don't you start with the play-by-play! This is not the Superbowl. You are not Kenny Albert*.

9. Please quit screaming. Quit whining. Just get it over with. Nope, nope, I don't want to hear any of this Scarlett O'Hara "I'm too tired, I just can't do it anymore" after 15 minutes of pushing. Do it already or your baby's gonna have a cone head* for a day!"

10. Baby is born. Baby cries, I cry (every.single.time).

*In the spirit of full disclosure, Harper most certainly had a cone head when she was born. I'm not hatin' on the cone. They're still just as cute. Albeit in a very geometric way.
*Do I need to say that I took that Baby Story image from Google?
*Kenny Albert is a NFL announcer.


  1. LOL Michael had a cone head too. Apparently i am unable to give birth that way, hence the repeat c-section scheduled a week before my due least I know what to expect.

  2. lol. hats are good for cone heads :) Your new baby will come out looking like babies in magazines! Perfectly round!

  3. I know! It will be awesome. And I won't be in labor for over 24 hours and be dehydrated because the darn nurses wouldn't give me anything.

  4. Those shows are always tear jerkers for me too. I remember watching them non-stop before I had Emma. I thought they would give me a glimpse into what motherhood was really like. HA! No quite... The worst is the interview they do with the parents a month or so after baby arrived and they're all so in love and can't remember what life was like before baby. I remember EXACTLY what life was like before Emma. Also not ashamed to admit it took me a little while before I felt true heart warming love for my sweet, colicy, up-all-hours-of-the-night baby. But still, the miracle of birth is always moving, so I could see why that is more TV-worthy. :)