Saturday, June 25, 2011
Anatomy of a Pregnancy Part II
My repetitive internal dialogue when I watch any episode of any have-a-baby reality series:
1. Aww... that's sweet. I can't wait until I look pregnant like that, instead of just fat.
2. Hmm.. What're you carrying on about so loudly? I didn't scream and cry on the way to the hospital and we hit one speed bump HARD.
3. Thank you for shutting up. Glad they finally gave you that epidural. I was about to have PTSD.
4. Seriously? Why's the dad holding the barf bucket? If I have to throw up, I'll do it my own self.
5. Why are you screaming again? You've had an ep-i-dur-al.
6. Oh, they turned it down so you can push? Oh God. I just remembered how that works.
7. What have I gotten myself into. . . . again?! I just glimpsed that bag of pee hanging from the side of your bed.
((QUICK.. block it out, again! Subconscious & Conscious, work your magic. I beg of you!))
8. Baby Daddy, quit looking down there. There isn't anything for you to see. Eyes above neck. And don't you start with the play-by-play! This is not the Superbowl. You are not Kenny Albert*.
9. Please quit screaming. Quit whining. Just get it over with. Nope, nope, I don't want to hear any of this Scarlett O'Hara "I'm too tired, I just can't do it anymore" after 15 minutes of pushing. Do it already or your baby's gonna have a cone head* for a day!"
10. Baby is born. Baby cries, I cry (every.single.time).
*In the spirit of full disclosure, Harper most certainly had a cone head when she was born. I'm not hatin' on the cone. They're still just as cute. Albeit in a very geometric way.
*Do I need to say that I took that Baby Story image from Google?
*Kenny Albert is a NFL announcer.