Friday, February 8, 2013

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

Now, I'm not going to begin to delve into the impoliteness of chewing gum in public, because, well. . . I admit. I like gum. And while I don't buy it, if it's there, I'll chew it. In a heartbeat. And unless it's all wagging out of your mouth and you're drooling and slobbering, I just don't find it offensive.

But that's not my opinion of the week.

I spent the better part of middle school with a piece of gum in my mouth. . . Mom, a teacher, even bought it for me. I think she felt sorry for me because every day from 5 PM until 7 AM the following morning, I had to wear orthodontic headgear. Every kid should have to wear headgear. Builds character, and neck muscles, that big ole strap around your head.

That wasn't the opinion, either.

Sugarless gum is good for you. It fights cavities, but not if you swallow it.  

Like you haven't. 

Besides, I think unintentional gum swallowers might have stronger survival skills. Tastes good? Eat it! No thinking involved! Survive!

..That wasn't my opinion of the week. 

And now that all that weirdness is out of the way, I want to talk about some small-mouthed people with a big problem. Gum splitters. As in, "You want half of this? I just can't chew a whole piece."

The absurdity stops me in my tracks. Every. Time.

Bless your heart!

I just don't understand! I feel so sorry for you! 

How long must it take you to eat dinner? 

Do you use a baby toothbrush? 

What happens when these people have children? Lord, I hope this is a recessive trait, because, what if two small-mouthed gum splitters make a baby? Will the baby only be able to fit in a 1/4 piece of gum? 

Chew on that. The whole thing.

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