Tuesday, December 4, 2012

too jolly.

Tis the season for holiday parties ---> holiday dresses ---> Spanx. But y'all.


They don't even make me look better.

They just.. squeeze the wobbly bits into a different space. So I still look fat, but.. more smooth and round.

And forget having more than one cocktail. It won't fit in.

Is this really preferable? Is that worth a night of near asphyxiation?


All this time and fret-eration I spend on an outfit that doesn't make me look fat (I love this. Like something actually makes you look fat when you are not.), undergarments which do not holler across my butt and shoes which do not accentuate anything unfortunate.. well. I could have lost weight by then. It's so.. simple.

As it were, I only have a few days until the first party.

Ironically, as I was perusing Pinterest for some cupcake ideas, I stumbled upon a two day diet (Lord, if I cannot do a 2 day diet in the middle of the week..) that'll shed a little water weight.

Please no one actually think that this is going to be any sort of permanent solution.

It's called the Look Better Naked Two Day Cleanse.

Which is funny, because really.. I'm just trying not to bust out of my dress on Friday night.

What I like is that this is not some expensive ridiculous diet for which you must purchase innumerable 'supplies.'

Ok ok.

So the diet.


I perceive three problems:

1. I broke our super nice blender making margaritas a mere month into marriage and, a few years back, I broke another doing the same. Which I don't get, but.. alas, I am the greatest common factor and I will admit that it probably had something to do with tequila.

So. I hope an immersion blender will do. That, I have in working order. And has only been spared as it is not ideal for margarita-making.

2. It's clearly under 1,000 calories per day and looks to be specifically designed to help shed water weight. Heads up (or down between your legs and breathing into a paper bag): This is a recipe for fainting during daily rounds of toy pick-up. Leave the blocks. Just leave them. Pick them up on Friday.

3. I'm concerned that there are no details. I need details! Like.. how much water do I drink? Can I add spices (gag.. plain chicken)? Can I have coffee (after 11 months with a babe who likes to check on me a few times every night to make sure all is right with the world, I do not know what will happen if I don't have at least 1 cup of coffee in the morning. The result would be worse than death by Spanx or the low-cal spins.)?

I'll report back tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. "but alas, I am the greatest common factor..." I always have favorite quotes from each blog entry.