Your face will freeze like that!

Like all parents, I worry about how Harper will turn out.  Am I raising her the right way?

I'm lucky enough to worry about things like, "Will I have to force her to grad school and...how does one do that?" "Can common sense be taught? Learned?" "What will the other kids think when she only wants sparkling water on the first day of kindergarten?"

If you ask anyone in my family, the answer is: Utilize the cautionary tale.

Consequently, I grew up to things like:

"Wash your face before bed.  You don't want the cockroaches to have a picnic on it!"

"Don't pick your nose. It'll give you a brain infection."

"Brush your teeth. Have you ever seen Grandpa Lugie's dentures?"

"Don't pop a pimple near your nose. It'll get infected and swell up as big as a golf ball!"

"Don't go into the ocean any deeper than your ankles. Otherwise, the undertow will sweep you out to sea. I should know. It happened to me."

"Don't hold onto the chains of a swing. Your uncle knew a man who got electrocuted in sunny weather because a lightning bolt struck the swing set he was sitting on."  

My favorite is the last one, because I have no idea what I was supposed to do with that information.

It was like an episode of Scared Straight before I had a chance to go crooked.

I use the cockroach line frequently, but it doesn't seem to lessen the blow of the wet paper towel.  So, I'll bide my time until Harper can understand that I'm trying to scare the bejeezus out of her.

I like to think I know an opportunity when I see it, so when I came across this a few days ago, I filed it away.

For generations to come, it will be accepted as fact in our family that if a boy gives you a hickey, you will, without a doubt, have a stroke and be paralyzed.

Case closed.