Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

Today, I'm thankful for all of the people who show their thankfulness in November by, each day, writing how thankful they are for frivolous things and publishing them on Facebook. Thank you. And thank you again. I am thankful.

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

toddler pageant-folk: ......

((shakes head))

I'll elaborate, but first, I need to practice with my offensive language coach.

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

Wanna know the quickest way to sound like a 12 year old, even if you're 30 or older?

Go ahead and add the made-up word "awesomesauce" to your daily vocabulary.

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

Harper Seven? ((bangs head on desk)) Why didn't I think of that?!

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

I defy you to name a more annoying invention than... the book jacket.

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

Oprah sucks. 

Maybe after today, millions of women around the world can begin thinking for themselves, again.

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

Words without vowels give me the creeps. Sometimes "y." Still creepy.

...Nymph, lymph, stymy, syzygy..

((shudder))

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

There is no feeling so helpless as being in the middle of a solo road trip when an unreachable Styrofoam cooler in the back seat begins making the squeaky squeaky Styrofoam cooler sound.

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

If you care enough to ask an expectant parent what they're naming their child, care enough to fake a polite response. And whatever you do, don't suggest an alternate. . . .or you may get your eye swole. Rightfully.

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

Does the illness have a name?

There are only two symptoms.

Upon sight of a camera, one experiences involuntary mouth scrunching with uncontrolled jerks of the index and middle finger of one or both hands.

It's a relentless illness, as the afflicted continually post the contortion on their Facebook page.

Unfortunately, it's contagious. I've even seen some moms do it in their weekly pregnancy pictures!

Luckily, there is no shame or stigma, because usually, it's a profile picture.

Most luckily, it seems to dissipate with the removal of a camera, because I've never seen anyone standing in line like this at Target.

Be aware of the symptoms. Don't be the next victim.

Oh, hay Urban Dictionary WebMD!

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

Hi, all of you post-collegiate gals and guys who stumble into Starbucks at 9:30 a.m. without brushing your hair.

I get that you're trying to pull off a sexy, rumpled Abercrombie look, but you're too old.  

So, you look freaking crazy. 

Put that mess in a ponytail!

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

Foreign language films in subtitles should count as answers when someone haughtily asks, "So, what're you reading these days?"

..because otherwise, this is the only book club that I belong to:

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

It should be against the law to flavor anything "maple" except pancake syrup. ..and whoever makes a piece of chocolate with maple-flavored filling should be punched.

Bleh!

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

Tattoos and personalized license plates: Think long and hard.  When you think your sure of either, think some more. For less than $100, you're flirting with an extremely high failure rate.

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

Instead of complaining about how your GPS got you lost or made you late, maybe you should.. I don't know.. learn how to read a map and actually understand where you're going?

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

Oh, blind carbon copy.  How I love thee. So rarely are you utilized for mature and businesslike purposes. Since 1977, you've been reducing post-collegiate adults to teenagers, creating mass panic and forging lasting coworker bonds of friendship through the destruction of others. Send one my way, please!

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

Today, Starbucks introduces the new Trenta cup. Reserved for cold beverages (because you know there exists a dummy who would buy a Trenta Caramel Macchiato every single morning and eventually, Car Ramrod would take an untimely speed bump and gluttony would be rewarded with second degree private part burns), the Trenta is a full 7 ounces larger than the Venti. Unless taller than 6'3, a person will look really, really silly carrying around this liter-a-tea.

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

Hey, you.. with the fonty, multicolored work email signature. What are you going for, here? Because when I see your signature under your message marked "Very Important" or "Urgent!," my thought process goes a little something like this:

CrazyCakes McCrayCray

I Luckily Stumbled Into This Associate-Level Position

My Company is not thrilled with this off-brand conglomeration I call my contact information.

1 LaLa Land Lane

867-5309 It'll take me a LONG time to call you back, or I may erase your VM and pretend you didn't call.

If my super sweet email signature didn't do the trick, I'm going to throw in one or more italicized quotes by Gandhi or Aristotle to demonstrate my trustworthiness, intellect and worldliness. 

Mission accomplished.

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

If you ceaselessly carry around a Nalgene water bottle, you look like a toddler with a sippy cup.

Possibly Unpopular Opinion of the Week

A child over the age of 4 can be taught to fake enthusiasm and appreciation for any gift they receive. Yes, there's a chance it will look transparent, but the alternative is the child looking like an ungrateful brat.  ..and that is worse.